Blog Me MAYbe: A Little Xanax Please

It's Thursday for Blog Me MAYbe and that means it's May I tell you something about someone else? day. Which means that I'm going to chat with my very good friend and fellow writer/blogger, Ron from The Xanax Diary.

Me:  Welcome, Ron.

Ron: I'm delighted to be with you, Miranda. Thanks for inviting me.

Me: Why don't you tell everyone where or how we met?

Ron: Well, I was minding my own business as I crossed a bridge, and you suddenly popped out and demanded a toll! Or maybe we met when we worked together while we were both living in Los Angeles, "a few years ago." It wasn't long after I started that we began to click and became friends. For me (and perhaps for you, too) living in SoCal offered its challenges to a guy who loved Chicago and a woman who was constantly in an Oregon State of Mind. Though we both eventually moved back to our respective "emotional" homes, we've remained close friends. You were an unexpected and greatly appreciated gift from the City of Angels.

Me: You're just as much of a gift... like the kind you give to Goodwill the next day. (kidding!) But seriously. I'm still waiting on that toll.

Ron: BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP.

Ron & I during one of my visits to Chicago

Me: LOL. Let's talk about what you're up to, writing wise. You're about to take a big chunk of time off work. What do you plan to do?

Ron: I publish my blog, The Xanax Diary, weekly. I've always felt a compulsion to write and journal, and started the blog as a coping mechanism to help me deal with the terminal cancer diagnosis of my husband, Ken in 2010. It was also a good way to share how I was feeling without having to repeat the same thing on the phone multiple times during his illness and after to loving family or friends (including you). He died on June 1, 2011. I'll be taking a three-month leave of absence from my job beginning on--poignantly enough--June 1, 2012 to focus on writing.

I wrote a novel for NaNoWriMo in 2010 that is about a dysfunctional family who happen to be witches. I'd like to get a decent draft of--or at least get a better logline for that. I also recently started a series of short stories about a "fallen cupid" that I'm really enjoying. I'm curious to see where these will lead me. I'd like to say I'll be able to write a book about Ken and our experiences over the last couple years of his life, but I'm not sure I have the emotional distance needed to pull that off. But I'm constantly making notes about it. So, who knows? Three months to do nothing but feed the writing beast. I'm excited! (and a little scared.)

Me: I'm excited for you! But not scared. I know you're going to make amazing use of this time. So, If you had to name just three, what are your biggest writing influences?

Ron: Oddly enough, television was probably my biggest writing influence. I watched a ton of it as a kid and started writing some horrible television shows combining my two obsessions: scifi and soap opera, but at least it got me started. Years later, I studied improv at Second City here in Chicago and I learned a lot about writing and "beats" in scenes and how they work to give it "punch" at the right time. In terms of authors, David Sedaris was probably the first author whose books I purchased serially as they were released. I hadn't really ever read essays before I read him, and it really changed my opinion about non-fiction and helped me form my voice. Many of my blogs are a little "weighty" in detailing my life's journey with grief after losing Ken, but I've also written humorous ones, and I plan to write more of them. Life can be some serious business--as you well know, but I think you also know that laughter and humor play a huge part of who I am.

Me: Wow. Those are good influences. And I have for sure blown coffee or pop out of my nose at one of your blogs.

Since I'm sure your sabbatical from work is going to allow your writing career to take off and you'll get to quit and be a multi-millionaire... If we did this again next year, tell me three things you'd like to be true. They can be things that are true now, or things that you hope are true for the future.

Ron: A year from now...hmmmmmm...I would want to be a working, published writer (I don't need to be a millionaire by then because I think it would take a little longer... like a year-and-a-half or so). I would like to have a good draft of a book about Ken and his inspiring attitude, and if you and I are doing this again, I hope it's in person...with cocktails..in Hawaii!

Me: Deal! Hell, let's go now. Speaking beaches...Are you planning any big reads during your time off?

Ron: I don't read nearly enough, and I have a ton of books on my kindle that I want to read. During my sabbatical I plan to make time for it. I just haven't made enough time for it. I'm currently reading Kristen Johnston's (tall blond from "3rd Rock from the Sun") memoir about her addictions, and it's surprisingly hilarious. (I hope it's supposed to be!) Perhaps I'll read a little something you're working on? Hmmmm...?

Me: Oh boy, I hope you're not in stitches over a Mommy Dearest style memoir! And you know you can totally read what I'm working on. On that note, any parting comments for the Blog Me MAYbe readers?

Ron: Blog on, writing brothers and sisters! I think the blogging community is a pool full of brave, talented people. Thanks for including me, Miranda.

Me: Thank you for coming on my blog.

I've included several links to Ron's kick-ass blog, The Xanax Diary. I highly recommend it. And keep an eye out for him, because this star is truly rising.

Blog Me MAYbe: Are you a Panster or a Plotter?

 So welcome to day 2 of Blog Me MAYbe! Wednesday is, May I ask something about you? day.

Especially in the early days of making writing something other than a closeted hobby, I spent a lot of time wondering how things get done. How do people plot entire novels? Personally, I'm 1/2 and 1/2. I start by being a plotter, and eventually become a panster having thrown the original plot out the window about a quarter of the way through.

If you're not sure what the difference is, here's a good explanation from Samhain Publishing.

So... May I ask something about you?

ARE YOU A PANSTER OR A PLOTTER?

Blog Me MAYbe: The EDJ That Isn't

Today is the first day of Blog Me MAYbe which means it's MAY I tell you about myself day. First, may I tell you that my blogs will likely always be late on the day of, because I'm on the west coast, and I write them in the morning. So there. There's something. I'm a west coaster!

If you read my previous post this week, you'll know that I've been struggling with my drive for writing after a life altering circumstance. What wasn't in that post, is that I really love my Evil Day Job. Which makes it pretty easy to fall into a 50+ work week pattern. Which makes it pretty hard, at times, to find time to write.

But I'm not complaining. I want to talk about what I do in my other non-writing life. I manage a program for adolescents and young adults with cancer.  Okay, so I'm not going to talk a lot about what I do, but rather why I do it, and why it's important.

Most of us write for this age group called "young adult". Which is up to, what? 21? 25? In oncology adolescent and young adult (AYA) is considered 15 to 39. (Yay! I'm still a young adult!) And you probably think to yourself, wow. That sucks to get cancer at that age (at any age, right?). Well here are some super quick facts about AYAs and cancer:

• 70,000 (or 72,000 depending on which set of data you're looking at) AYAs are diagnosed with cancer each year.
• That makes AYAs almost 8x more likely to be given a cancer diagnosis than their pediatric counterparts. (think: A lot of money goes to childhood cancer treatment/trials/etc... the AYA crowd is often forgotten)
• In the last 25 years the 5-year survival rate for AYAs has stayed the same, while rates for older adults and children have had significant increases.
• AYAs are the most un/under insured group of Americans, and often do not have access to the care they need at the time they need it most. One patient I know needed a bone marrow transplant (about a 2 million dollar procedure) and because he didn't have insurance the hospital told him he would need to put $250,000 down unless he could get insurance. Sometimes it takes weeks or months to get government sponsored insurance inline if you didn't have it before a diagnosis. That's weeks and months without life saving treatment. (talk about rationing health care...)

Aww. I know I probably made everyone either bored or sad. But let me tell you a few pretty awesome things about working with AYAs. They are the most determined, inspirational, amazing people I've ever met. They get dealt the cancer card, and they continue to live their lives and make the best out of it.

So that's my not so EDJ, and why I love it as much as I love writing.  Below are some resources for AYAs, or places to find more information if you're interested, or just want some entertainment.

My Program!
National Cancer Institute
Oncology Youth Connection
Planet Cancer
The SCAR Project
The Movie 50/50

A Bond Villain, a New Heart, and a Birthday Card

Kings College Hospital

Late last year, the love of my life almost died. It was a strange course of events that came out of the blue, kept us in a foreign hospital for twenty days, and introduced us to an amazing surgeon who looked a bit like a Bond villain but gave him a new heart.

Nothing, and I mean nothing, can put things in perspective like loss, or the realization of the potential for it. Don't get me wrong. I'm thankful for it.

The Bond Villain Surgeon

I thought that with a new perspective a zest or surge of creativity might come. That my love of writing would transcend into this balls-out mission to do it because life is short, and life is precious.

That. Didn't. Happen.

Which left me to consider: maybe I don't really want it. When I lined up all the things that are really important in my life, was writing still there? For months I wasn't sure. I didn't write a word (outside of work stuff and a sad attempt at revisions) for five months. That's almost half a year. That's the longest I've gone without personal or creative writing in my life.

I fell off the critique partner wagon. I couldn't read my friend's stuff with a critical eye when so much of what I knew or what I thought I knew seemed to be in flux. Writing is hard work. It takes dedication, time, and you must love it.

I didn't think I even missed it.

I was ready to acknowledge that writing didn't make it to the line up. That I must not really have wanted it. How could I if on the other side of crisis, the drive was no longer there? I was almost ready to write my critique group and tell them I was out.

Almost.

But every day as I open my fridge, my hand brushes past a very important birthday card. Probably the greatest birthday card I've ever gotten.

It was a shock, in more ways than one, to even receive the card. Because we'd been gone for so long, the card had gotten lumped in with all the holiday cards and I didn't open them for a while. When I did, I soon realized it was a very unexpected birthday card and inside it said:

I want to see that goddamn 

book on the shelves!

And the other goddamn book!

And the other goddamn book!

I say unexpected, not for the message, but for the sender. Though in retrospect, I shouldn't have been surprised, it was so him. My friend, and literally one of the first two people I trusted to read something of mine, had passed away in June. 

Of course it made me cry when I got it, because it made me miss him. But more importantly it has served as a constant reminder of the amazing and wonderful spirit he brought to this world, and that knowing him is a gift that will last forever. So every time I look at it, I think of him and smile.

The day I was ready to say goodbye to writing the card practically jumped out at me. Okay, it actually did. I knocked it off the fridge as I opened it. When I picked it up it was like he'd reached out to say, "what the hell, lady?" 

Like flashes in a movie montage, I remembered how much joy writing brought me, and how much I loved sharing stories with people. And how having him read them gave me the courage to make it more than a closeted hobby.

That day I wrote 2,500 words.

It's been a long journey from December 9th to now. Filled with all kinds of turns and doubts and love. It took me a while and I needed the help of a very good friend, but writing has once again joined the line up of most important things in my life. I couldn't be more grateful for my life, my husband, and the people who love and encourage me (especially the ones that are not here but never leave). I can only hope to do as much for them.

Faith, huh?

What is it about writers that makes us constant self doubters? Is it some deep psychological malfunction? Are self doubt and creativity mutually exclusive or are they somehow wrapped up in the very fibers of what makes us writers?

I don't think I've met a writer yet (and introduce yourself if you're one of them!) that manages to get through an entire MS, or subsequent edits without a little (or in some cases, a lot) of self doubt. I know I've experienced it. In fact I've experienced it more in these last two months than I have since I started writing seriously two years ago.

My current WIP has a lot of death in it. I started it before I started my new job. Which I love, but if I'm being honest, working in a world where life is such a precious commodity has altered my previous somewhat hardened perspective. Most of you, or at least those of you who have been reading my blog for a while, know I work in public health. And that means a lot of different things to a lot of people and, trust me, the field is expansive. But to lay it all out there, I work with cancer patients. More to the point, I work with cancer patients that are in the prime of their lives -- adolescents and young adults.

These people shouldn't have cancer, right? Cancer only happens to kids and the elderly. False. While I'll save you the PSA, I won't skirt around how working with these amazing survivors has softened and humbled me. It's a change I didn't expect (sneaky change!) and one that I would never give back.

This new me looked at my WIP with fresh eyes and had to wonder, should I keep going? Shouldn't I clip the death? My MC is, in a lot of ways, ruthless and I thought maybe I should abandon her and write something with more of a message, more heart, more... something. But regardless of what I needed more of, I felt I needed less death.

So I did what any logical writer might. I stalled. I stopped writing that story, somewhere around the 50,000 word mark. And there it sat. Staring at me from a little white .doc file on my desktop. I doubted my ability to continue with the story because I couldn't reconcile the new me with the old perspective.

And maybe in the end, I wasn't suppose to. I recently went back through and reread every page of my WIP. And somewhere along that journey with my MC, the new, softer me found a connection with the old. I began to have faith that I could take those newly found emotions for the people I serve and weave them into my MC, creating an even deeper and more developed character than before. It wasn't my perspective that needed changing, it was learning to have faith in myself. Faith that I could take what I've learned in the real world and inject life into my fictional one.

I can't say I'll never doubt myself again. And I can't say that some change down the road won't send me into another tailspin. But what I can say, is that no matter what, I will find a way to keep the faith.

How do you learn to push past the doubt and harness the faith?